Why this Texas Sex Therapist Believes That Heated Rivalry is All You Can Talk About in Therapy

I'll admit. I heard a lot about Heated Rivalry from clients this week. Instead of assigning them homework, I assigned myself the task of checking out why this show is such a hit and keeps showing up in our therapeutic conversations.

First, as I was warned...Heated Rivalry is a tiny bit of hockey and a lot of romance. And why we like it, well, it may or may not be clear - we love the representation for so many reasons.

It’s a queer love story. A love story that offers an accessible, romantic, and representative experience. If you don’t have experience in queer love stories, this show bridges the gap that you may or may not know that you need. It may also create a bit of confusion for you as to why you experience arousal or desire while watching.

If you think about what you’ve seen in media, it’s traditionally the white heterosexual love stories that typically only offer one perspective of what romance and sex look like. Side note: I remember spending months during the Bridgerton show binge season explaining to women (and men) that the way orgasms were happening in the show - weren't actually possible for the female body.... Whereas this buzzworthy queer love story shows us what romance, sex, and the stigma of queer love look like in and out of the sports community. 

If you have fallen into Heated Rivalry as someone who doesn’t have an introduction to male queer love (or hockey), welcome. Love is love, and you may find that this representation has broadened your view of what love, sex, and relational stigma look like in the lived experience of gay males, especially in the sports community. Also, can we get a round of applause for the consent culture featured in the show? Goodness, YES!

Simon and Gagnon’s research (1986 & 2003) suggests that we don’t enter our sexual lives as blank slates. Instead, we learn “maps” or blueprints for sexuality from the world around us.

Finding your sexual map or sexual blueprint was suggested by Simon and Gagon’s work (1986 & 2003) for people to learn how to think about sex, feel about sex, and behave sexually based on messages they absorb over time—from culture, relationships, and personal experiences. These learned patterns, which they called sexual scripts, guide what feels normal, expected, or even possible when it comes to intimacy.

These scripts operate on several levels:

Cultural messages shape broad ideas about sex, such as what is considered acceptable, taboo, romantic, or desirable.

Relationship patterns influence how people act sexually with partners, including expectations about roles, communication, and boundaries.

Inner beliefs and feelings affect how individuals experience desire, arousal, and meaning in their own bodies and minds.

Research shows that many of the messages people receive about sex are deeply shaped by gender. From an early age, women and men are often taught very different expectations about desire, pleasure, and sexual roles, which influence what they come to want, expect, and prioritize in intimate relationships (Harvey et al., 2023; Wiederman, 2005).

Cultural ideas about masculinity and femininity shape not only how people see themselves sexually, but also the feedback they receive from partners. Over time, this feedback reinforces gendered expectations about how sex “should” look and feel, contributing to ongoing sexual socialization across the lifespan (Peragine et al., 2022, 2023). These learned patterns influence how people communicate desire, set boundaries, and feel entitled, or not entitled, to pleasure.

One of the most well-documented outcomes of these gendered sexual scripts is the persistent gap in orgasm during partnered sex. Research consistently shows that women experience fewer orgasms than men in heterosexual encounters, a disparity that reflects differences in sexual scripts rather than differences in biology (Mahar et al., 2020; McElroy & Perry, 2024). In fact, biological explanations alone do not adequately account for this gap, highlighting the powerful role of social and cultural influences on sexual enjoyment (van Anders et al., 2022).

Taken together, this research suggests that inequalities in sexual satisfaction are not accidental or inevitable. Instead, they are shaped by social forces that promote and reinforce gendered expectations around sex. Understanding how these scripts operate opens the door to more equitable, fulfilling, and intentional sexual experiences for individuals and couples alike.

Together, these scripts quietly shape how people approach intimacy, what they expect from sexual relationships, and how they interpret their own desires, often without realizing it.

Why Media Like Heated Rivalry Matters for Sexual Desire and Intimacy

Many people come to sex therapy wondering why desire feels confusing, inconsistent, or difficult to sustain in relationships. Often, the issue is not a lack of attraction or love, but deeply ingrained sexual scripts (the unspoken rules we learn about how sex, desire, and intimacy are “supposed” to work).

Research shows that sexual scripts are shaped by culture, gender expectations, and early relational experiences. These scripts influence how people express desire, communicate needs, and feel entitled to pleasure. When scripts are narrow or rigid, they can limit emotional safety, erotic connection, and sexual satisfaction, especially in long-term relationships.

Now, back to the show

Stories like Heated Rivalry matter because they offer an alternative to traditional sexual scripts that prioritize performance, emotional distance, or rigid gender roles. Instead, the story centers on mutual desire, emotional vulnerability, longing, repair, consent culture, and sustained intimacy over time. From a sex therapy perspective, this kind of representation is powerful because it models many of the skills clients work to develop in therapy: communication, consent, emotional attunement, and relational safety.

Sexual Scripts, Desire, and the Role of Therapy

Research consistently shows that differences in sexual satisfaction and pleasure, such as the well-documented orgasm gap, are not primarily biological, but social and relational in origin. Gendered expectations about who initiates, whose pleasure matters, and how desire should look play a significant role in shaping sexual experiences. These expectations often leave people feeling disconnected from their bodies, unsure how to ask for what they want, or worried that something is “wrong” with them.

Sex therapy helps individuals and couples identify the sexual scripts they have inherited and explore whether those scripts still serve them. Media that expands representations of intimacy, like Heated Rivalry, can act as a mirror, helping people recognize unmet needs for emotional closeness, erotic tension, or mutuality that they may struggle to name on their own. Regardless of your sexuality. 

Recently, in an interview, Hudson Williams shared that he’s been reached out to by closeted athletes who have shared that they can’t share their identity as queer. And this is why storytelling matters. Representation broadens our world and opens our eyes to the beauty of love. Check out the interview clip here

Stories like this deserve to be told. Let's communicate with the media and authors that we need and appreciate representation in our books, and on our screens. 

As a therapist who works with individuals and couples in sex therapy, I’ve got to say “I’m hooked!” - (hockey pun here.... I had to....).

The conversations in the therapy room are opening a world of exploration that we all so deeply deserve.

Citations:

Mahar, E. A., Mintz, L. B., & Akers, B. (2020). Orgasm equality: Scientific findings and societal implications. Current Sexual Health Reports, 12, Article 00237. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11930-020-00237-9 McElroy, E. E., & Perry, S. L. (2024). The Gender Gap in Partnered Orgasm: A Scoping Review of Evidence with Graphical Comparisons. Journal of sex research, 61(9), 1298–1315. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2024.2390672

van Anders, S. M., Herbenick, D., Brotto, L. A., Harris, E. A., & Chadwick, S. B. (2022). The heteronormativity theory of low sexual desire in women partnered with men. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 51, 391–415. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-02100-x

Williams, H. [Heated Rivalry’s Hudson Williams]. (2024). Heated Rivalry’s Hudson Williams Says Closeted Athletes… [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/QxGfeZeUFSg