Why Conflict Isn’t Spooky: A Therapeutic Approach for Couples
For many couples, conflict in relationships can feel overwhelming, almost like something to be afraid of. The idea of a disagreement escalating into something much bigger often gives conflict a "spooky" reputation. But what if we told you that conflict isn't something to fear? In fact, with the right tools, conflict can be an opportunity for growth and deeper connection. Let’s challenge the myth and explore how emotionally regulated conflict can help partners navigate disagreements in a way that strengthens their relationship.
Understanding the Role of Conflict in Healthy Relationships
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, whether you’re dating, engaged, or have been married for years. Due to how you experienced conflict early in life or past relationships you may have a default meaning that you make about conflict. It’s important to challenge the way you look at conflict and explore how to engage in it. We want you to know that conflict that is emotionally and physically safe is not a sign that the relationship is failing or that something is wrong. Healthy conflict can lead to a stronger bond if handled respectfully. When couples disagree, it often brings underlying issues or unspoken needs to the surface, creating an opportunity for both partners to learn more about each other and get their needs met. Now that’s a treat.
What’s the Secret to Conflict?
There’s no tricks here, it’s pretty simple (and sounds nerdy), but a calm regulated nervous system helps partners engage in conflict with open hearts and minds. For example, when emotions run high during a disagreement, it’s easy to get swept away by frustration or anger. The key to handling conflict in a productive way is staying calm and listening actively. One of the most significant contributions to relationship therapy from renowned researcher John Gottman is his integration of a dysregulated nervous system with his research on “flooding”.
Flooding happens when the emotional intensity of the conflict becomes so overwhelming that it triggers the body’s fight-or-flight response. Heart rates rise, muscles tense up, and it becomes nearly impossible to think clearly or communicate effectively. Recognizing the signs of flooding is critical to de-escalating a conflict. Simply put, by pausing to calm your body—whether through deep breathing, taking a break, or simply sitting in silence—you’re giving yourself a better chance to approach the conversation with a clear mind. This helps create a safe space where both partners can be heard and understood, without emotions taking over.
Active Listening Reduces the Fear Factor
Active listening does more than just help resolve conflict—it strengthens emotional bonds. When couples practice truly listening to one another, they create a safe space where both partners feel valued and understood. This is essential in building emotional intimacy, which is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Plus, if you need a little motivation of why this is good, it’s important to know that emotional intimacy can build into physical intimacy!
When you feel heard, it’s easier to let go of defensiveness and frustration, knowing that your partner is genuinely trying to understand your perspective. By using active listening, couples can transform a potentially divisive argument into an opportunity to connect more deeply. Over time, this habit strengthens the emotional resilience of the relationship, making it easier to handle future conflicts together.
If You Feel Less Scared of Conflict but Don’t Know Where to Start Check Out These Practical Tips:
Schedule check-in conversations: Rather than waiting for a conflict to arise, make time for regular check-ins with your partner. This gives both of you a chance to discuss any concerns before they escalate into bigger issues.
Take breaks when emotions are high: If you or your partner starts to feel overwhelmed (flooded), it’s okay to take a break. Agree on a time to return to the conversation when you’re both feeling calmer.
Use “I Need” statements: Focus on expressing your needs without placing blame on your partner. This encourages constructive dialogue instead of defensiveness/contempt or stonewalling, which Gottman talks about as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Practice active listening: Make an effort to listen to your partner’s perspective without interrupting. Reflect back what you’ve heard to ensure you understand their feelings.
Still Feel Spooky? Couples Therapy for High-Conflict Couples: Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, resolving conflict on your own can feel overwhelming. That’s where Therapists at The Couch Therapy can make a significant difference. Therapy provides a safe, neutral space where both partners can express their feelings and concerns without judgment. It’s not about placing blame but rather about understanding each other better and learning new ways to communicate. In couples counseling, a trained therapist can help guide you through difficult conversations, teaching you how to recognize your flooding patterns and engage in listening so all perspectives are seen and heard. Your therapist will help you recognize patterns that may be contributing to ongoing conflict and offer practical tools to break those cycles.
Gottman Book Recommendation and Inspiration:
Gottman, J. S., & Gottman, J. (2024). Fight right: How successful couples turn conflict into connection. Avery Publishing.
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