One of our amazing therapists Cristina shares her family building journey.
We wanted to give a trigger warning of loss before you carry on. Please read only if it feels good to you today 🤍
Do you ever have days where you think. Will it ever be my turn?
I did. I wasn’t always sure that I wanted to be a mother and then when that day finally came, wow, was it all I could think about. Once we decided to grow our family, it was the most important dream I ever had. I always thought it was my choice when to have children and that it would just happen for me. Wasn’t that what my body was supposed to do? What an honor that would be and that it would be on my timeline. (Insert sarcastic laugh and eye roll here, my friend.)
The truth is, that it is so hard to wait around for something you think might never happen. It is even harder to give up when it is everything you want.
I never imagined what my fertility journey would hold for me. My fertility issues should have only affected my fertility right? What I found it affecting instead were my relationships with friends and family, my finances, my sex life, my mental health, my marriage and my optimism on life in general.
My bathroom started to feel like a crime lab filled with all of the tests, the potions, the prescriptions and needles, the homeopathic methods, and the vitamins. (Because I hadn’t tried this new bottle yet and it might be THE ONE.) Spoiler alert…it wasn’t.
I found myself hiding pregnancy tests from my husband though he knew we were trying because I wanted to surprise him with that glorious moment of YOU ARE GOING TO BE A DAD! I agonized over thinking I took the tests too early or too late in the day. It was my fault. Logistical error. Maybe those lines that were bright pink a week ago are fading because I bought a defective pack of tests. This can’t be right. Please don’t let this happen again.
I was denying my husband this beautiful moment that everyone who wants children dreams of because my body was failing me. There was a precious gift waiting for him that had to go back in the cabinet another month because I was too embarrassed to say I got excited and hopeful. Again.
It was my fault. I did everything “right.” I ate well, I exercised, I tried not to stress, I prayed. I prayed so hard. It was so unfair. Nothing changed my outcome. I was told it just wasn’t my time. Hearing “We are so sorry but, you are experiencing a loss. There isn’t anything we can do at this time” were some of the hardest words to hear. Over and over.
Even then I wasn’t allowing myself to really process what I was feeling. Did I experience loss? Yes, but was it as far along as someone else I know? No. The guilt I felt from this was unbelievable. Who am I to feel bad for this when my friend has never actually been pregnant? My loss, though it hurts, is less important because my friend has never seen two pink lines. Things could be worse. I should feel grateful to have at least had that right? These are the lies I told myself. I diminished my pain and my grief so that I wouldn’t make others sad.
Of course, there were people who would ask about our future plans and when I brushed it off or pretended we didn’t quite know if we were ready, I was given the “Children are the best thing in the world! You don’t know what you are missing” comments. But, I did know. Of course, I knew. It was in my face every time I logged into social media, went to dinner with my husband or shopped at Target.
There was a whole baby section of Target that might as well have been roped off with a bouncer checking ID’s at the front of it because I wasn’t welcomed in. A cool club I wanted to enter and only got to go into if I was with a friend or shopping for one. We sat at dinner enjoying the cocktails I wished I wasn’t able to drink and telling other moms that it was ok when their toddler bounced in our connected booths, while she apologized and reminded us they used to be like us and missed their days of freedom. If she only knew how desperately we wanted to be her. I would give anything.
Once I was finally brave enough to share my story, I was flooded with pity, sadness and sometimes if I was lucky, a shared story of pain that still didn’t make me feel much better. To hear dismissive words like “Honestly, I hated being pregnant anyway, you aren’t missing anything!” Daggers. Or to hear that the IVF road, if we were to travel it, was not for the faint of heart. I didn’t want to hear that my life was about to get much harder and filled with more worry. But I knew it was uncertain and it was coming. I just hoped that there was a favorable outcome on the other side.
I was unkind to myself in this season of life. I had so much anger, guilt and shame surrounded in what I was going through. But it didn’t have to be that way. I should have remembered my worth through it all and seen that I was loved just as I was. It’s really all you can do to hold onto your sanity in times like that.
I share this part of my story with you because it was an important time in my life. As much as I never wanted it to happen, I never want to forget. I gained new life perspective, I learned the true meaning of empathy and I now have a job where I listen to amazing people share their spaces and their stories with me while we cry together in this sisterhood none of us ever asked for. Its humbling to say the least.
Infertility is like having a second job. It feels like you are standing still while the whole world passes you by. Maybe you feel like you have lost yourself a little bit.
You don’t really beat infertility, you survive it. But it stays with you forever.
So with all of that said, please hear me say these things to you specifically. I see you. Your feelings are valid. All of them. Yes, the sweet, the heavy emotional ones, the irrational ones, and even the dark ones you only share with yourself and maybe your therapist. You are deserving. You aren’t alone. You are valuable with a baby or without. You are whole by yourself and you matter.
For those of you going through this, nothing else needs to be said. It sucks and I get it.
Take what you learn from this experience for better or for worse and share it with someone else when you are on the other side. Yes, I said WHEN. Because you will create your family in your own way whether it is biologically, through adoption, with a donor or maybe with a surrogate. It may not be how you originally planned it but it will be PERFECT and it will be YOURS.
The sun will rise, and we will try again.
Sending all the love and understanding your way,
Cristina
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