Why Setting Boundaries Is So Hard (And How to Make It Easier)

Why are boundaries so hard for us?

Boundaries are hard whether they are with friends, family or a significant other. If you were raised to believe that being "good" means always being agreeable or putting others first, boundaries can feel selfish or wrong. Pleasing others becomes a survival strategy, and boundaries disrupt that. It’s hard to enforce boundaries when you’re not even sure what you want, need, or believe is okay.

What exactly are boundaries?

Boundaries are a form of self-respect. They're not walls to keep people out — they’re fences with gates, helping define how you want to be treated, and how you treat others. You do not have to sacrifice your religion or your culture to maintain a healthy relationship.

Types of common boundary responses:

When you start setting boundaries, people who benefitted from you not having them often resist or react negatively. This can reinforce your fear that boundaries cause conflict or loss. But remember that those who have the most issues with our boundaries, are probably the reason you need them in the first place.

Recognizing necessary boundary shifts while in a toxic relationship:

• Setting your boundary might look like upsetting that person

• You are afraid of being rejected or alone after the boundary

• You feel guilty for saying no even when it means better mental health for you

• The person you are telling thinks you “don’t love them anymore”

Or, maybe you are from a culture where boundaries are trickier to navigate.

Cultural boundary shifts:

• Some cultures and families view boundaries as disrespectful, especially in hierarchical or collectivist settings.

• You might be seen as disloyal, rebellious, or "too much."

• Even when you logically know a boundary is healthy, emotionally it can feel threatening.

• That tug-of-war between logic and emotion can make it feel impossible to act.

How your body makes you feel safe

Setting boundaries with the ones you love can often trigger responses in your nervous system like fight, flight or freezing. But the most common form of a trauma response can be fawning.

A fawning response in boundary setting is when you suppress your own needs, feelings, or limits in order to please others, avoid conflict, or stay "safe" in a relationship. It’s a trauma response—often rooted in childhood—where you learn that the best way to survive is to be agreeable, accommodating, and self-erasing.

Fawn responses can also look like this

• "It’s totally fine!" (when it’s very much not fine)

• "No worries, I can handle it!" (even though you're exhausted)

• "Whatever works best for you." (when you have a strong preference but suppress it)

• Saying “yes” when you mean “no,” just to avoid disappointing someone

• Feeling guilty or anxious after asserting a boundary — and then retracting it

Boundary setting issues can develop from our own specific personalities. They can be deep seeded in our own attachment styles. Attachment styles develop in childhood, mostly based on how your caregivers responded to your emotional needs:

• Were they available?

• Consistent?

• Comforting?

• Emotionally attuned?

If the answer was “not really” or “sometimes,” then your nervous system may have learned to stay on high alert for emotional danger — leading to insecure attachment.

Why am I like this?

Knowing a little bit about your own attachment style can help in your healing.

Attachment insecurity can often come from your emotional bond with others feels uncertain, inconsistent, or unsafe, often due to early life experiences. It affects how you connect, trust, and feel secure in relationships, romantic, platonic, or even professional.

At its core, attachment insecurity is a deep fear of being abandoned, rejected, or not being enough, and this fear can drive behaviors that sabotage connection or create emotional chaos

But, insecure attachment isn’t a life sentence in anxiety — it’s a pattern. And patterns can always shift.

Here’s how we heal, friends:

• Safe, consistent relationships (including with yourself)

• Therapy (especially attachment-focused or trauma-informed)

• Somatic work (because insecurity often lives in the body)

• Rebuilding self-trust and emotional regulation

Be kind to yourself: Boundaries Take Time

If you recognize yourself in any of this, it’s not because something’s wrong with you.

It’s because your nervous system adapted to protect you.

But healing is possible. You can learn to feel secure, to trust, to connect without fear consuming your whole life.

 One day at a time, you can rewrite your story.

If your mental health is consistently impacted by your relationship patterns, it might be time to invite extra support into your life, like working with a therapist who can help you navigate those dynamics with care and clarity. Setting boundaries is HARD, and you don't have to walk the path alone. Learn more about our team here: https://www.thecouchtherapy.org/about

With Love,

Cristina