How To Navigate A Breakup: A Therapist Approved Guide To Healing

20 hours ago
4 min read

"When will this finally stop hurting?"

It's one of the most common questions I hear from people navigating a breakup.

I wish there were an answer I could give with certainty. The truth is, I can't tell someone exactly when they'll heal because healing isn't linear, and it is different for everyone depending on factors such as:

How the relationship began
How the relationship ended
Your attachment style and the experiences that have shaped how you relate to yourself and others
The support and resources you have available to you (people you can lean on, financial stability, a safe place to land, access to therapy, your basic needs being met)
Previous experiences with loss, rejection, or ruptured relationships
Whether this breakup brought up older wounds that were already there

Healing isn't just about "getting over" a person. Sometimes it's grieving the future you imagined, rebuilding trust in yourself, untangling old attachment wounds, or learning who you are outside of the relationship.

P.S. If you're in the middle of a breakup and wondering why it still hurts, know that your timeline doesn't have to look like anyone else's

While there isn’t a shortcut through heartbreak, I hope to share some resource ideas that can help you begin the healing process and support a stronger relationship with yourself

Books To Heal Heartbreak Recommendations

Detached: How to Let Go, Heal, and Become Irresistible by Sabrina Alexis Bendory offers support with anxious attachment, codependent patterns, or the difficult process of rebuilding after heartbreak. This book also has a great audiobook option
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller offers more insight on how we develop our attachment styles, how it shows up in our relationships with others, and how to move forward in building secure, safe relationships. Disclaimer: This book does have some differing public opinions with it, so I advise readers to utilize what feels helpful with this book, and leave what does not.
No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard Schwartz highlights how understanding our different “parts” can help us build more compassion toward ourselves. It offers a way to relate to ourselves with curiosity instead of judgment, especially in moments like heartbreak when emotions can feel conflicting or overwhelming. This book is a great option for offering further self-reflection about sense of self, and how we show up with others
You Are the One You've Been Waiting For by Richard Schwartz is a great follow-up read to No Bad Parts, applying the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model specifically to intimate relationships and how we show up with partners, especially when attachment wounds get activated.
Maybe You Should Talk To Someone by Lori Gottlieb is a relatable and honest look at therapy, grief, and relationships through both the lens of a therapist and a client. It can be especially helpful during a breakup, offering perspective on heartbreak, patterns in relationships, and healing. I like this book as it normalizes the grief of breakups, shows how healing isn't linear, and reduces shame to seeking therapy.

Podcasts & Videos for Breakup Support

Brené Brown's TedTalk on "The Power Of Vulnerability" is a great listen for discussing vulnerability, shame, and self-compassion and how it relates to our relationship with ourselves: youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o&vl=en
On Purpose with Jay Shetty's episode called, "If You're Going Through A Breakup, Listen To This?" is a great listen for validating emotions, offering understanding behind physical symptoms of experiencing a heartbreak, and acknowledges how we work with our grief: https://open.spotify.com/episode/5PyGTQpM88cFuuHVgzyP1H?si=3f02eff0d18b4a09
Sharing The Couch episode, "What Is Attachment Therapy?" offers insight by therapist about how attachment styles impact relationships with others, and what it means to work with a therapist that specializes in attachment therapy https://open.spotify.com/episode/7EitBXpgdxUll5d6LV3lNy?si=8363ae1d68e34a37
Stuff You Should Know podcast episode,"The Science Of Breakups" offers more insight into what happens in our brains as we navigate grief in a breakup. https://open.spotify.com/episode/6EKVZ0QfGTH9GM9hSRY0by?si=c70ab7475f6f4b91

Journal Prompts To Consider After A Breakup

What am I grieving right now?
What did this relationship give me that I’m afraid I won’t find again?
What does this breakup mean about who I am as a person?
What patterns (in me or in relationships) feel familiar in this experience?
What would it look like to slowly rebuild trust with myself again?

Other Resources For Handling a Breakup

Body based ways to move through grief (what type of gentle movement would feel good in your body?)
Rebuilding relationship with self (utilizing this period of time to learn how to love self)
Receiving support from others (accepting help)
Exploring new ways to learn about self (hobbies, activities, expression of self)
Receiving support from a therapist to help navigate the ebbs and flows of grief, space to hold new reflections, and having aid in learning coping skills, and ways to improve support system