What is Relationship OCD?

Did you find yourself Googling, "Do I have relationship OCD?" or "Why do I keep questioning my relationship even though I love my partner?" Or did you first learn about relationship OCD on TikTok?

Maybe something you read or watched finally put words to an experience you've been struggling to explain. Or maybe it left you wondering whether what you're experiencing is actually relationship OCD.

Is this just a trending term, or is there something deeper going on?

What Relationship OCD Actually Is

Relationship OCD is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) that focuses specifically on relationships, typically tied to romantic relationships.

According to the International OCD Foundation, symptoms can look like:

• Excessive analyzing of your partners behavior to look for confirmation of their feelings for you

• Persistent request from your partner for reassurance of their feelings for you

• Frequent daydreaming about past positive interactions as a means for reassurance

• Intrusive thoughts around whether or not your partner still loves you or finds you attractive

Relationship OCD Subtypes:

There are two subtypes for relationship OCD. A person with ROCD may experience one, or both. Relationship-centered focuses on doubts or worries about the relationship/connection, whereas partner-focused focuses on doubts/worries about the partner's appearance, intentions, or personality.

Relationship-centered

• Is this the right relationship for me?”

• “This is not real love!”

• “Do I feel ‘right’?”

• “Does my partner really love me?”

Partner-focused  

• "Her head is too big”

• “He is not talkative enough”

• “She is not successful"

• "He is not intelligent enough”

• “She is not emotionally stable”

• “They are not reliable/competent enough"

Current research has found that ROCD symptoms typically start in early adulthood, or when facing new life transitions such as marriage or having a baby. A person who has ROCD may also experience other subtypes of OCD, or only struggle with ROCD.

A person who struggles with ROCD may struggle with the compulsions of:

1. Seeking reassurance from friends, family, therapists, or even psychics about the relationship.

2. Constantly thinking about their feelings about the relationship

3. Comparing their relationship to friends, family, celebrities, rom coms

4. Trying to fix or change/correct the partner to be "just right"

5. Challenging or testing the partner to seek reassurance on if they do possess the qualities they are looking for (ex: if they are "intelligent" enough)

A person with ROCD may show avoidance through:

• Social situations that involve seeing a couple that the person thinks are a "perfect" couple, or has envy of

• They may avoid activities that they could compare their relationship to (ex: seeing a romantic movie, going to dinner at a romantic spot, weddings)

What Is The Difference Between Trauma and Relationship OCD?

There is not a single identified cause of OCD, but distressing experiences can play a significant role in its development. For individuals predisposed to OCD, trauma may be a catalyst for its development. For example, one study conducted with individuals with OCD found that 61% of participants experienced stressful life events before the onset, and nearly 57% had traumatic experiences within 1 month before the onset. To understand the differences between if you are experiencing ROCD, or relational trauma, consider these points:

Relational Trauma

When someone experiences relational trauma, the brain desires to protect itself from past abandonment, betrayal, or abuse. The part of our brain called the amygdala ties our past relationships to our current, often signaling danger when triggers show up. The thoughts tied to this protection, often ruminate on past wounds (ex: assuming a harmless comment means a breakup, mirroring past abuse). A person experiencing relational trauma may protect themselves through isolation, pushing people away, or people-pleasing with fear of the other person leaving.

Relationship OCD

When someone experiences relationship OCD, the underlying goal of the obsessive thoughts is to achieve "rightness" or certainty about their feelings for their partner. These thoughts become intrusive and often feel impossible to stop in the moment, and may show up in sporadic ways. A person experiencing ROCD may seek reassurance from others, or even the internet, and have intrusive, thoughts analyzing past conversations. '

ROCD focuses on imperfections of your partner or the relationship, whereas trauma focuses on threats to your safety and survival.

If you are curious if you have Relationship OCD, ask yourself:

• If the thoughts feel consuming.

• If they're affecting your relationship or daily life.

• If you're caught in repetitive cycles that feel impossible to break.

• What other factors are contributing to this curiosity (how safe we feel in the relationship, what our history of trauma is, and how has that influenced us)

What Next?

The goal with this post is to provide clarity about yourself and your relationships, outside of a TikTok post, or through a rabbit hole on google. If you've been wondering whether what you're experiencing is relationship OCD or something else, a conversation with a trained mental health professional can help you sort through the nuances and find a path that fits your experience.

References:

Doron, G., Derby, D., Szepsenwol, O., Nahaloni, E., & Moulding, R. (2016). Relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder: Interference, symptoms, and maladaptive beliefs. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 7(58). doi:10.3389/fpsyt.2016.00058